Royalty Free Ideas: Age Licenses

I'm not really an advocate of this idea, so feel free to use it - as ever, I'm not really able to charge you anyway, given my fairly universal lack of competence. It's a fairly simple concept; mandatory examinations to 'unlock' the advantages of later life; i.e. drinking, the bingo, car usage, reproduction, as opposed to a simple age limit. The examinations would test competence, social responsibility, etc. Not exactly a new idea, either, and fascistic. In fact, my desire to even vaguely extrapolate upon the notion is ebbing pretty rapidly, given how mental it actually is. Also, watch out for the "Still, in these troubled times..." counter argument. Sorry, feel free to unsee the above. I know it worries me because I'd most likely stay stuck in juvenile/accidentally pass the senior citizens test. Accidentally.

International Relative Exchange Vol.13

Often when considering relatives that you'd like to exchange, it helps to consider what specific personality traits or motifs that you'd like to gift/receive from another swapee, in relative form. For instance, it's a given that elderly mothers will probobly chastise you on your choice of partner, at some point. But would you rather they were dismissive of your girlfriend/boyfriend on intellectual grounds, or would unfair accusations of low standards of personal hygiene be more to your tastes? The "You don't have any money" for "You won't have any money" trade is always popular, but a suprise resurgence in the Physical Violence for Emotional Blackmail trade is worth noting. Bear in mind, I'd never trade my mum. That would be disrespectful, and I love my mum.

Royalty Free Idea: Text-Chest Rating System

Lo, dear reader - once more into the realm of personal, real-world stattage. The above is an idea that wouldn't work for a plethora, a smorgasbord of still rather pleasing reasons, though I'm sure it doesn't take me to tell you that a system where other people rate you by text message before an average of these ratings is displayed on an LCD panel on the chest is a system open to abuse. For every concerned parent spamming their son with "he's perfectly normal, ladies" messages, there's a "he's into (insert choice 'interest')", fictitious or otherwise, from a former confident/made up partner of the same gender. And for every "diligent and industrious, A+" that you'd rather not have splayed across your front, the real trouble begins when rogue call-centres start using you as free advertising space - all it takes is a couple hundred slightly unfortunate "Cheap Weekend Rates" messages, and it's all over.

So probably no takers on this idea, then.

Normal Post: Nothing Major

I never know whether to celebrate minor accomplishments, or casually dismiss them (albiet in a way that other people can hear me casually dismiss them, just in case my accomplishments were, in fact, 'all that'). Please bear in mind that, by minor accomplishments, i don't mean 'remembering my car needs more water' or 'not pretending to be ill at some point this year'. I mean things that matter, like 'inventing a way in which my car would never need water ever again', or 'winning an award for not pretending to be ill at some point this year' (which I did once, as it happens).

Minor accomplishments are exactly that - at best, the little things that add up to a proper accomplishment. If you get excited about the little things, then upon accomplishing the proper accomplishments, one may implode, or spasm a bit too much. The proper accomplishments may never come into being at all; if minor accomplishments, in the wild, are confused as their more esteemed siblings, why try achieving a 'Proper' if you feel you've already achieved a 'Proper'? You wouldn't even be aware that you hadn't achieved a P Grade, not until it's too late. Confusion abound.

Inevitably, I suggest a grading system for accomplishments - certificates, logos, and points to spend on things like poorly made apparel based on the identity of grading system itself. If we come up with a mascot (say, some sort of cat in a t-shirt giving a thumbs up), then we can put it on a baseball cap and leave it at that. To be fair, we've been here before.

International Relative Exchange Vol.12

We were recently sent a particularly effective essay from Jack, a nine-year-old boy from Birmingham, who, despite his lack of years, put forward a compelling and well-rounded argument that definitions of family shouldn't simply be limited to blood-relations, as one's family can often be the people one comes to trust, respect and rely upon, irregardless of background or upbringing. He stressed that, as far as he was concerned, a real family has as its roots love and respect, and as such could include friends, colleagues, members of the wider community. He felt that the sooner we all came to understand that our world isn't one of opposing ideologies and territory, but one of shared interests and common goals, the sooner we could all start moving forward in life, together, as a family.

With those principles in mind, he also wished to put his older brother Ted, Robert Mugabe, and the temporary postman who crumples his Beano up for trade. Jack, consider it done.

Royalty Free Idea: Drop the Smugness

Here's an idea - a kind of randomised daily memento mori for teenagers/young adults, but replacing the notion that "we'll all ultimately end up dead" with "you're not inherently cool, there's just an awful lot of money to be made out of you". It sounds like I'm bitter, and perhaps I am - 26 years old is the age that Eurostar defines as the start of adulthood, which means that the scions of young teenagerhood - T4, Bargain Hunt and Topman - no longer represent me, are no longer for me. I predict that this will be a difficult time, and that many other things (Frijj milkshake, sarcasm, current generation gaming) will either lose their appeal or be forcibly removed from my inclinations. But I will prevail. If only because sheltered housing looks awesome, the only place for me now that I've totally given up white shoes and 'ironic' hats.

Incidently, I read a newspaper article recently about a chap from round my way (my bit), now living in London. When the interviewer first met him, she noted that 'he was sporting an ironic moustache'. An ironic moustache.

International Relative Exchange Vol.12

We would strongly suggest that certain individuals desist in attempting to trade their supposed pet chihuahua, Banjo, for whoever it is they'd like to trade him/her for this time. This website takes a strong line on responsibility for animals, in that we believe that the owner has an obligation and duty of care to any animal they take as their own. We know it can be difficult sometimes, but walking away from an animal who needs you and relies on you because the circumstances no longer suit you is irresponsible, shallow and selfish. Wise up.

Incidently,2 for 1 on OAPS till thursday.