Normal Post: The Final Countdown

I think when all the of ideas run out, I'll start being responsible and take the reigns and all of that. By ideas, I mean all of the ideas out there, not just my own. I don't think I've ever really had a proper idea, come to think.

NO WAIT I'VE HAD ONE. There's certainly a growing problem, especially among men, regarding who the funny one is. I think we're all beginning to confuse 'being funny' (especially being contextually funny) with 'being the funny one'. You might think this is nonsense, go ahead and laugh (thank you) but I honestly think that, in even as little as a decade's time, there may be a need for suppourt groups and phonelines and such for men who are finding it difficult to come to terms with the fact that they aren't the funny one, and are maybe just funny from time to time. There won't be one for women, you can't tell them anything.

International Relative Exchange Vol.4

Trading in a relative can be a bit like how the world slipped into the Great War, what with family peace often being one big convulted mess of strained nicities and devestating-secrets-as-mutually-assured-destruction. You might not like uncle Phil/Phillie, but what about that Great Aunt you never knew you insulted? Her Philbert was as good as Dial-a-Bus, and she knows that, if she trades your mum for the Pot Luck option (coming soon!), there'll be no-one to save you from that 'other' uncle. It's up to you. I love MY family.

Royalty Free Ideas: Ian Beale Bakes with his Face

This one's royalty free, so knock yourself out. I would charge, but I think there's a big chance that Adam Woodyat (who channels Beale for televisual purposes) could drown in cake batter, were he really to attempt baking with his face. And given that the idea is almost implicity 'for charity', there's very little chance that the Adam/Ian symbiote would be able to pass up the request, once made. I'm not sure where I'm going with this.

I remember watching Adam Woodyat trying to break free of the Beale yoke on some consumer affairs programme on BBC1, where he acted as a kind of roving reporter, grudgingly testing out hoovers and lawnmowers with the Great British Public in tow. 'Grudgingly' being the watchword - for someone who wanted to branch out, he very quickly resorted to just being Ian Beale again, and in such a way that it seemed like he was a normal reporter into Ian Beale cosplaying which no one else was allowed to mention for diversity reasons.

Normal Post: International Federation of Shapes

Long, long ago, I worked in a small museum that sort of bled a lot of money (just by virtue of it's very existence, not as a result of anything I ever did, because I don't think I ever did anything). Happily, it's still up and running, but that's not the point. One afternoon, I received a letter from a group calling themselves the Ice Cream Alliance, effectively trying to sell the museum iced goods cabinets and such like. I would've felt threatened if their logo hadn't had so much primary coloured jaunt to it.

I still wonder what prompted such an alliance in the first place. 'Alliance' suggests that they were trying to fend off some greater, darker foe. The internet? the transient nature of things? Huddled together in the dark, those ice cream conglomorates, what did they see when they looked beyond the vale of tasty temporary gratifaction and into the dark abyss of the future? New flavours? No flavour at all?

Incidently, I often tell people that the Walls Twister ice cream was made by someone on Jim'll Fix It and, after it proved popular with consumers, was rolled out nationwide, to be consumed en masse even to this day. I looked it up on wikipedia just there and there isn't any basis in fact for that story. To everyone I ever lied to about Walls Twister, I am so sorry. Now all I have to do is figure out where that story I was telling even came from...

Normal Post: Futureproof

I actually feel this way about the Nintendo DSi, but talking about being duped by a videogame console isn't manly (grr!) so I'll leave it be. Motion sensitive gaming...

The hand picture serves to illustrate the size of the post-its I draw on when I draw on the post-its I draw on. In response, mainly, to the stark upscaling (or bigging, if you like) of the images when they're posted. Essentially, it's not my fault. None of it is, nor will it ever be. Get OUT OF MY HOUSE! I don't have fat hands, neither.

International Relation Exchange Vol.3

Why not trade in an unwanted loved one for this fine fellow? Of course, you could always just ask them to wait outside in the garden for a few moments before locking the door and drawing the curtains, but these times are so hopeful and forward thinking, they'd only find a loose vent or forgiveness or something. Save yourself the hassle.

Normal Post: Expiry Date

Indeed it has. It's a bit like children's television, in that you think that you're on top of things and you think that you know what's out there, and then, all of a sudden, you realise that it's been ages since you actually managed to even get up on time for the stuff. So you 'manage' one morning, and it turns out that the kids are into Saturday Kitchen and the Open University. Which is a shame - in my day, it was all guns and plastic and seizures. Now it's cool to be positive and outgoing, with a varied skillset.

Royalty Free Ideas: Realign YOUR Hands

Now, I don't claim to be a do'er, even when I'm in one of those situations where everyone starts just boasting about themselves in totally unquantifiable terms. So that would probobly make me an 'ideas man', though I'd qualify that by reiterating that
I'm nobody's 'do'er', so any sort of quality control or applicational advice for these ideas will be forever, forever absent.

Still, I guess everyone needs synchronised hands, and if we throw in a few stock phrases - "generational timebomb", "no way of knowing", "it's the thought that counts", "accident waiting to happen" - ten-to-one we get our funding. I mean, your funding. Your funding.

International Relative Exchange Vol. 2

Here's the place for trading in your unwanted relatives for a shiny, used, unwanted relative! We would ask that you deliver any of your trade-ups well scrubbed and with enough return bus fare. We are currently NOT accepting shopsm'n, milksweeps or older brothers, as many arrive poorly packaged and sometimes without clothing.

Royalty Free Idea Swooning Woman-agram

What more could a man want on his special day (and what day isn't special when you're a man, or even a woman, for that matter) than a lovely woman swooning at the sight of him (pending confirmation of his name and signed receipt of the services paid for having been delivered)? Best of all, this idea's Royalty Free, so if one should decide to start one's one Swooning Woman-gram service, I legally couldn't touch one/you! Bonne chance!

Normal Post : Why I Am So Wise

Sorry if you can't read my unusual symbols/'writing', the above is basically a man claiming to have a reserve of intellect, that he can deploy in times of crisis etc. I think that this is an idea that a lot of folk (myself included)unwittingly subscribe to - that they, contrary to all evidence and appearences, possess a mercurial intelligence subsumed, like some noble lost continent, by the shortcomings of anyone or anything else to hand, and having to appropriately adapt to those shortcomings. I'll excuse myself, though, by saying 'that's fine', perfectly human. Running on the spot is part of that problem, as much as anything.

International Relative Exchange Vol.1

Got a rubbish relation in your family? Fancy a temporary, or even permanent, alternative? We've got thousands of unwanted relationships going for a song! See one you like? Pop us a mail and it's yours! Hold onto your hats!!?!

Royalty Free Idea Hand Receptionist

These Royalty Free Ideas are roylaty free, so feel free to use them in whatever capacity you desire. Obviously, they have an immediate function, but think outside the box - the Hand Receptionist could be an amusing character in a period drama, or a cool new in-family insult. No need to thank me.